my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
