I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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