I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize