i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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