Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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