is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
