We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
