You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
