i just sent this text using only my big toe
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
