So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
