I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
that is very illegal...i love you.
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