She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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