I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
