I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
