Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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