You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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