she woke up with a sticky ear
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
