Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
