dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just invented taco cereal.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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