Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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