wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
