youre lurking in front of me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
