I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
