The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize