She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
