He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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