Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
