if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
