Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Randomize
