You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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