I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
