i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
