I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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