I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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