my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
