Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
