you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
