why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
