I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
