I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize