Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
