i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
