you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
