I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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