if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I can't put those talents on a resume
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
