I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
