nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
