hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
