my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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