I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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