I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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