I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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