I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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