fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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