I'm going to jail i love you
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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