I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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