I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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