I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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