to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
What drink are we having for lunch?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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