I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
