I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
