i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
